Tuesday, 21 June 2011

One huge mutha of a new thing

Disclaimer: This post is very personal and serious. If you are not into that and purely came here for digi scrap or photography (thank you for that by the way), then please stop reading here and come back tomorrow.

I'm not quite sure how to write about this one. Part of me really don't want to because it's really huge for me, and very private, and there is so much riding on it that I kind of feel like I need to keep it to  myself for a while. On the other hand, I really want it documented just because it is exactly what this whole project is about; trying something new and hopefully becoming a better person in the process.

Now, for most of my life I have dealt with having major performance anxiety. There is something inside of me, a negative and demanding monster, that takes over and lures me into thinking that everything I do needs to be "perfect". It tells me that failure is the worst thing that could ever happen, and that unless I give it my all (an a little more) I will surely fail.

After so many years with this, and having inevitably failed at more than one thing in my life, this monster has made me think of myself as a person of lesser value - like I'm not good enough no matter what I'm doing -  and this in turn makes me try even harder to be "perfect" so that others won't notice what a crappy person I really am and now I'm kind of stuck in Catch 22.

Crazy? Yeah, she's real gone!

So, of course, this isn't a good way to live. It's certainly not a good way to treat myself. So I decided to do something about it and right now I feel like it doesn't matter if I don't do one single other new thing this year as long as I can pull this thing off. So this week was my kick off to treat myself better. Let's keep it at that for now.

So there you have it. The raw, the ugly, the truth. Next week will be super shallow, I promise! :)

8 comments:

  1. I think you know how *I* feel about you ... I think you are wonderful no matter what!!

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  2. I think a lot of us have felt like this too! Treat yourself weep because you really are amazing in so many ways!
    (((hugs)))

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  3. Ladies, thank you for the support. You are worth your weight in gold. Love to you!

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  4. I totally understand how you feel. Good luck on your journey to treat yourself better :) You deserve it!

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  5. Darlin', I've known you for ten years and have always thought you were an amazing, wonderful, loving, creative person. I love you and think the absolute world of you!!

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  6. Thank you! <3 I really do appreciate what you are saying to me. The difficult thing is just believing it myself. But I'm working on it! :)

    Love to you!

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  7. Stop in the name of Love! Du är underbar precis som du är, men vi bär på samma sjukdom Du, jag och dina lika underbara systrar. Vad vi än presterar vill vi bli ännu bättre. Ibland kan det vara av ondo, men samtidigt är det ju en utmaning. Vad vi alla behöver är att lägga ribban på rätt plats. Älskar Dig/ Mami

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  8. Stop in the name of Love! Du är underbar precis som du är, men vi bär på samma sjukdom Du, jag och dina lika underbara systrar. Vad vi än presterar vill vi bli ännu bättre. Ibland kan det vara av ondo, men samtidigt är det ju en utmaning. Vad vi alla behöver är att lägga ribban på rätt plats. Älskar Dig/ Mami

    ReplyDelete